Hi Papabear,
I've become a fan the furry fandom since 2015. One of the things that gets me a little 'excited' are anthro males, specifically dragons and canines. I thought that meant that I liked guys. I experimented with some males and while fun, I didn't feel anything. Could it be that I like furry guys instead of real ones? Anonymous (age 25) * * * Dear Furiend, Could you clarify what you mean by "I didn't feel anything"? Do you mean you didn't get sexually excited or that you didn't fall romantically in love? Thanks, this will help with my reply. Papabear * * * The first one * * * I see. Well, a number of things could be going on: 1) you just weren't with the right guys; 2) you really aren't gay (or bi) but there is just something about anthros that turn you on; 3) you are gay or bi but you were so nervous when playing with those people that it prevented you from relaxing and enjoying it as much as you could have; 4) you are still discovering your sexual preferences and turn-ons, and this is just a stage in an ongoing process. Any of those seem to hit the mark? Papabear * * * Probably 2,3 and 4 * * * It can't be both 2 AND 3 LOL. Pick one. Papabear * * * Okay, then two * * * Hello, Furiend, Okay, as long as you're being honest with yourself, good. Remember, sexuality is a spectrum. It is actually rare for someone to be 100% hetero or 100% homosexual. Most lie in between. For example, you might be, say, 10% interested in the male anatomy but 90% more into females. Using this same reasoning, it could be possible that sexual preference might have a human v animal factor as well. Pardon me while I become fascinated with a question that never really occurred to me before. I mean, yes, I have known about zoophiles, but I always thought a zoophile was a zoophile and not that it could be part of a spectrum that involves anthro characters. In other words, just as there is a Kinsey Scale that puts hetero/homosexuality on a sliding scale, perhaps there is a scale for preference for human/animal attraction. Thus, furries into anthros are somewhere in the middle of the scale. Likewise, it could be possible you are attracted to anthros sexually but not so much to humans. It becomes more complicated, too, because one would not keep the Kinsey Scale and (let's call it the Furry Scale) separate, but, instead, you would combine the two, creating a scale involving four factors: hetero, homo, animal, human, and any percentage combination of the four factors. This is all speculative, but you would be an example, then, of someone could be 60% hetero and 70% animal sexuality, or they could be 80% homo and 10% animal sexuality (meaning 20% hetero-leaning and 90% human-leaning). Fascinating. It's all part and parcel with the truism that human sexuality is very complicated. But now you see, too, the problem with overthinking things. Bottom line that I have for you is this: Don't worry about it. Like what you like; don't like what you don't like. You are what you are, and your sexuality is what it is. Remember, as long as you aren't hurting anybody, you should do whatever you like and don't try to label yourself or make your round peg fit in a square hole. Hope that helps a bit. Hugs, Papabear
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Dear Papabear,
I'm having a mental crisis over some thoughts after I've seen some NSFW [not safe for work] art in the furry fandom. I'm also suffering from OCD, but to be fair this would be kind of awkward if I brought this question to my counselor, so I'm trusting you fully with this question. Does it count as zoophilia/bestiality if I like to see two anthro characters with feral genitalia or two feral (more animalistic like walking on fours) characters that speak/have human characteristics have sex? Nick * * * Dear Nick, People outside the fandom often misconstrue our fascination with animals and anthros as a form of bestiality. It isn't. If you go out and have sex with actual animals, that is bestiality. The phenomenon of furporn is a more complex psychological issue than that, and it is something I will address in detail in my book. There is a difference between fantasy and reality. Sexual fantasy is something that pretty much everyone indulges in, but just because they do does not mean they actually want their fantasies to come true. Sex, as they say, is 90% in the brain and only 10% physical. When we are engaged in coitus, as Sheldon Cooper would call it, most of us go inside ourselves into another world that gets our hormones pumping and promotes a climax. Furry pornography is very much a fantasy. This is why you see such extremes in it, with hyper-large anatomical parts, oceans of ejaculate, impossible positions, outrageous scenarios, and so on. No one actually believes any of it will happen in real life; it is just a mental stimulus. Another theory I have about furry sex is that it is a distancing tool. That is, many people feel senses of guilt about their sexual desires because of society's disapproval, so we cloak our sexuality in the form of anthro characters to shelter us from this kind of guilt. It is the same reason why people like zombie movies, which allows you to mentally imagine and "act out" (such as in video games) violent tendencies, but it's okay because these are the "undead" and therefore you are not doing anything immoral. Furporn is a fantasy tool that helps people work through their sexual tensions, guilt, feelings of inadequacy, and so on. But that's just one explanation. Another possible explanation for furporn is that it is a way of connecting with our more animalistic, sexual side. By casting away our human shell and becoming anthro animals, we allow ourselves to engage more freely in uninhibited sex. No longer chained to human society by a physical form, we connect more with the passion of sex. So, no, your viewing furporn--even the more feral types--does not mean you're into bestiality/zoophilia. It is just you exercising your sexual imagination. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
As a East Coast fur, it’s hard to meet up in real life with the other furs out there. I currently am unable to drive a car though I am able to take public transportation. I always wish to got out and see or even experience a Furry convention in my state or any state close by ( Connecticut) but, my main fear is my parents. How do I explain to them about myself and my place in the fandom? I’m mainly into expansion and inflation, and I was also caught a few times by my folks during my sessions with an air pump. When the time comes, how will I be able to explain this to them? Hailfanghoofington (age 22) * * * Dear Hailfanghoofington, As you helpfully noted in the form, you are 22 years of age. As such, you are an adult and have absolutely no obligation to tell your parents the details about your sexual preference or your hobbies if you choose not to. I honestly don't know why I keep getting questions like this from adults who write to me. I mean, your parents don't tell you about what they like to do in bed and what their turn-ons are, do they? (Lordy, I hope not!) So, why should you have to tell them you are into inflation fantasies? Answer: you don't. It's great to have open and honest discussions with your parents about your life, but there are some things that it is fine to keep private, and at the top of that list is details about your sex life. Now, it sounds as though you might still be living with your parents and, therefore, you might have the impression that living under their roof obligates you to fully disclosing everything about your life. Not true. What you should be doing is being supportive of them, perhaps pay them rent for the room, help with chores, and move out as soon as possible. You're 22. You need to set out on your own unless there is some medical or financial reason why you can't at this time. At 22, you should also be able to make trips on your own, even if that means taking public transportation to do so. I encourage you to get out of the house and live your life. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
You may remember me emailing you a few months back about this same issue. I guess I've come back to ask for a little more guidance. I've been struggling with my fetish for about a year now, and it's gotten worse as of late. I've seemingly got rid of my will to stop looking at it, but I feel I need to stop. It consumes my thoughts almost everyday, popping up when I take a math test. Showing up when I'm with my friends. Everyday when I come home, I almost immediately try to look at images of my fetish. It's like clockwork, and it has spiraled into an addiction. I know that this is something that I can't control, and it may never go away. I fear it's ingrained in me. But, I just feel like I need to get a hold on it and try to maybe phase it out. I just don't know how. Cold Turkey is almost impossible. I've only succeeded for a long period of time once. Every other try just feels shallow and I know I'm going to fail. I'm running out of options. This fetish has consumed me since I was in elementary school, and now I just want it out of my life. If you can offer any help, I would be happy to hear it. Sincerely, Rozebud * * * Hi, Rozebud, I was considering suggesting aversion therapy for you, but then I read an interesting article about sexual fetishes in Psychology Today in which the author of the article said that there really is no cure for a sexual fetish and that, indeed, as long as the fetish isn't harmful (e.g., some kind of violent fetish) we shouldn't treat it as a problem to be "cured" at all. Sexuality is a very diverse preference, and there is such a variety of different things (objects, behaviors, sensations) that turn on certain people that is practically impossible to categorize them all. The fetish really isn't the problem. The problem might be your being obsessed with it to the point of it interfering with your life. This is like, say, gambling. If you go to a casino every once in a while because you enjoy playing craps or blackjack and you lose a few bucks now and then, it's not really a problem. But, if you become a gambling addict and lose your savings, your job, and your family, then that is a problem. Here is what I would suggest you do, then. Do not try to eliminate your preference from your life. It is okay to enjoy chubby people. That is nothing to be ashamed of. However, try to gradually lessen the amount of time you spend looking at it and thinking about it so you can concentrate on school and daily life. (One reason you find yourself so focused on sex is because, let's face it, you're 16 and your hormones are raging, which is perfectly normal). Okay, so how do you lessen the time you think about it? When people go on a diet, one way to make it more tolerable is to occasionally allow yourself a treat. For example, my husband and I are on a low-carb diet now, but once a week we treat ourselves to some carbs, such as pasta at an Italian restaurant. Then you don't feel so deprived. You can do something similar with your chub lust. Schedule times to focus just on your interest. Start with twice a day: once in the morning (common to have morning wood, especially when you are young) spend 10-15 minutes looking at chub porn, and then do so again in the evening for the same amount of time. When you feel that is working for you, reduce this to once a day, then once every two days, then once every three days. Eventually, get yourself down to once or twice a week. This way, you don't feel deprived and can get some release. It is important to schedule these sessions at definite times of the day. Adhering to a schedule will help form a habit, and habits are easier to stick with. Now, during all those other times when you are not jacking to your favorite images, you need to stay focused on the task at hand, whether that is school, or chores, or socializing with friends. To do this, remove distractions. A BIG one is probably your phone or the Internet on your computer. Keep away from these things while you study for a test and even when going out with friends (I know, people these days hang with friends and look at their phones, but I have always felt this was rude). Pay attention to the people you are with (teachers, colleagues, family) and not the phone. Here is a helpful article on improving your ability to concentrate. In summary: Don't feel ashamed about your sexual interests. There is nothing wrong with you. However, take steps to reduce the amount of time you think about your sexuality by setting up a schedule that gradually reduces your time on this behavior, while not eliminating it entirely, and work on increasing your ability to concentrate on other important aspects of your life. You don't have to ban this sexual interest. It is just part of who you are. You just have to keep it from playing such a dominant role in your life. Hugs, Papabear Hi Papabear,
I feel like I've really needed to get this off my chest with somebody not close to me, but also semi-anonymously. I guess I'll just get the main thing mentioned and out of the way first. I have an attraction to kids, but I've never offended and would do my utmost best to maintain that. I guess I'm what you call a gold-star pedophile. I just feel so terrible for having this attraction, even if I've never offended. I want to be a good person; the best I could be, but this part of me feels like deep down I'm evil or corrupted. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I can't change it; I've already tried. It makes me hate myself. It started when I was just a kid at school and a little after sex ed. At first, it was normal, since while I was imagining kids, they were my age. Then I started imagining younger and I really liked that. I was a dumb kid and didn't know better or that it was wrong, but luckily never did anything with anybody. After I learned it was wrong, it seemed to stop for a little. I found furry porn and was satisfied with adult characters. Then I was looking into size difference stuff, and then stumbled upon some explicit cub art. Just like when I was a kid, I really liked it, but this time I knew it was wrong. The temptation was too much though and so I kept looking at more. I figured it wouldn't be too bad, since it was only fictional images and animations. After a little while, I found out that where I live, even fictional stuff is illegal, so I tried to stop. I searched up different things, like maybe it's some form of OCD, maybe it's some extreme form of porn addiction, that kinda stuff. I tried to stop looking at any and all porn for as long as I could to "reset" the sexual part of my brain as I read somewhere online. Even so, I kept imagining stuff. I tried to imagine adults, but it was difficult for me to get off to that, so I imagined kids. After a while I gave up and went back to looking at fictional stuff and simply disagree with the law, since it's a victimless crime with nobody being hurt. Every now and then I still try to stop though. I really don't want to admit this, but I should get this off my chest... After some time, I then started looking at 3D stuff of fictional humans, then I stumbled upon real stuff. I feel absolutely terrible for it, and only a monster could have enjoyed that. It makes me feel like I'm a broken, corrupted person or monster who simply shouldn't exist. I then stopped looking at it and tried my very best to stop being into this stuff, even fictional stuff. On the slightly bright side, I've avoided real stuff since. I don't want to be a bad person, but only a bad person could be into that. Even somebody as wonderfully kind as you probably wouldn't even accept me after admitting that. I just wish I could stop being into it. I want to reach out for help to stop the interest, but I'm too scared to get it. I'm afraid that if I go get help for this, I'll be put on some sort of list, which may as well ruin what life I have. It'd be near impossible to get jobs, and finding a place to live would be just as hard. I don't want that, but I don't want to be bad. This whole letter is probably pointless, and you probably won't be able to help, or won't want to help. Still, some part of me hopes you might have at least something to say that may help even a tiny bit. And if not, at least I've gotten all this off my chest... From A terrified and self-hating dragon (age 23, Australia) * * * Dear Dragon, You are very brave to reach out like this. I congratulate you on a couple of things: 1) recognizing you have a problem; 2) not acting out physically on your desire to have sexual relations with children; and 3) trying to do something about it. There is help for people like you. For the sake of my readers, we'll need to clarify some things about pedophilia. Pedophilia is defined as a strong sexual attraction for children who are prepubescent (younger than 13, in most cases). The pedophile, furthermore, should be at least 16 years old and five or more years older than the person to whom they are attracted. To be considered to have pedophilic disorder one must either act on this desire by sexually molesting a child or become so obsessed with doing so (without actually doing so) that the desire is disruptive to your normal, day-to-day functioning (i.e., e.g., you are having trouble focusing on work, school, or family because you are so preoccupied). If neither of these is true, you are considered to have a pedophilic orientation, but not a pedophilic disorder. It is estimated that about 2-3% of the U.S. population have this paraphilia, the vast majority of whom are male (a tiny fraction of a percent are female). So, why is pedophilia wrong? Obviously, one reason would be because it is illegal here in the United States and most countries, although one could note that some countries allow men to marry prepubescent girls, and, interestingly, only ten U.S. states legally forbid marriage to girls under the age of 18 (and there are states that allow girls to marry as young as 14). Marriage to very young women was fairly common some time ago in the United States. The reason why it has become illegal here and elsewhere is that marriage to underage girls is tantamount to child slavery. The much older husband, by marrying such a young bride, obtains total control of her life and basically has a free servant. Furthermore, prepubescent children are not sexually mature and therefore are not willingly consenting to sex, which makes it rape. So, you have two crimes here: slavery and rape. The same is true if it involves a homosexual relationship with a boy. An interesting sidebar question is why is it illegal to view child pornography? Well, if it is child porn with real girls and boys, clearly that is a form of child slavery and prostitution. But what about simple illustrations? This is a tricky one. U.S. law (Coroners and Justice Act 2009, sections 62-68) defines illustrations and animation as child porn if they are explicitly sexual, focus on genitalia, and/or are aimed at provoking arousal in the viewer. The PROTECT Act of 2003 broadened this definition into more non-sexual images but only if those images were more photo-realistic. It is important to note that these laws are focused against people who make and/or distribute such images and animation rather than those who possess it because in the case of the former it is easier to show that harm was intended toward a child while in the case of the latter it is difficult to show any actual harm was intended. Even so, there have been cases of people being arrested for possessing child porn on their computers (e.g. R. C. Fox https://dogpatch.press/2017/10/23/r-c-fox-arrested/). So, consider this a warning to furries into cub porn. What causes this paraphilia? Psychologists don't know, though there are theories about the pedophile either being sexually abused or observing inappropriate behavior in the household. There are theories, too, that there is a genetic component. None of these hypotheses have been demonstrated scientifically. I also have a theory that it has something to do with an attraction to innocence and purity that, ironically, stirs sexual urges. There is no connection to OCD, however, as you theorized. Whatever the cause, pedophiles can receive treatment. I want to note here, too, that when you seek help from a psychologist or psychiatrist that you are protected by doctor-patient confidentiality (that was a concern of yours, so please don't worry about that). To find help, you can start with Pedo.Help, which offers a log of good information, including links to organizations across the world. In Australia, where you are, there is Phoenix House, so I would look there, too. You will not be put on "some list." This is not a sexual offender registry. You've gone this far trying to do the right thing, so the next step is finding a qualified therapist. Proud of you. Keep going. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I have an interest in furry bellies and growling stomachs, whether they be male or female. I think this started when I was young, when I watched The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. When Pooh’s tummy rumbled, I was allured by how round and fluffy it was and the sound it made. I was also enamored by the likes of Baloo and Little John. Now, this interest has evolved into a fetish. I still watch cartoons, and I find it satisfying whenever a character’s stomach growled. I used to look at furry belly art and fat furry art on DeviantArt, Twitter, and FurAffinity. I was even interested in drawing my own chubby characters. I even participated in a couple of furry belly role plays. Then one day, my parents caught me in the middle of an RP on an Amino devoted to furry bellies. They were disturbed by the content of that Amino. I argued that it wasn’t anything like boobies or genitalia, but they weren’t having any of it. In an effort to persuade them, I eventually showed them some of what I’ve been looking at. I have been looking at fat furries along the lines of the following pictures (Prepare for a long list): https://www.furaffinity.net/view/22209172/ https://www.furaffinity.net/view/22943479/ https://www.deviantart.com/bluecatriolu/art/Vore-Buddies-610318186 https://www.deviantart.com/bluecatriolu/art/Kitty-Belly-Cuddles-591298523 https://www.furaffinity.net/view/23308662/ https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DDnQJRqVYAIZt0Q?format=jpg&name=large https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DadGyQMU8AI6Pn5?format=jpg&name=large https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DZUO2haWkAEZkuK?format=jpg&name=large https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DWx4MQSVQAELQHZ?format=jpg&name=large https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C8OC1ZsVwAElGG8?format=jpg&name=large https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DiFo1ACXUAUwi6t?format=jpg&name=large http://artietheferret.tumblr.com/post/165370818820 http://artietheferret.tumblr.com/post/164087520490 http://trozte.tumblr.com/post/176149181657/remember-baa-baa http://trozte.tumblr.com/post/175656112297/hey-guys-ive-been-thinking-and-i-decided-to-open https://www.deviantart.com/nissandriver217/art/The-Fat-Couple-458170598 https://www.deviantart.com/nissandriver217/art/Noisy-pony-bellies-465647560 https://d.facdn.net/art/hubert-hyena/1512522181/1512522181.hubert-hyena_hibernation.jpg By the way, I am not gay. I am a straight Christian. My parents already told me about masterbation. I know that there is such a thing as too fat. I try to avoid fat furry pictures with explicit content. Anyway, in my personal opinion, I see nothing wrong with the above pictures (although the nose bleed in the 5th picture might show otherwise). However, my parents still weren’t happy about me looking at furry bellies even after I showed them some pictures! I think that furry belly and fat furry art falls into a grey area between the light side of the furry fandom and the dark side. I still want to draw/look at those chubby characters, but I’m worried that I might wander into the dark side, and therefore make my parents mad. My question for you has many forms, but I can choose only one. Are furry bellies SFW? From, Anonymous (Age 17) P.S.: I also have Asperger's. * * * Dear Furiend, If by NSFW you mean Not Safe for Work, I would say that browsing any furry art while at work is not really acceptable to your boss(es). People have frequently asked me about whether looking at furry stuff at work is okay, and my answer is this: If you are at work, you should be working and not surfing the Web for personal reasons. Simple, yes? As for your belly interests, there is nothing wrong with liking big bellies. As you likely know, there are all kinds of sexual preferences in the world. People often label them as "fetishes" because humans like to use disparaging terms for anything they don't consider "normal." This then makes the person who has a "fetish" feel bad about themselves, which then leads to neuroses, guilt, self-hatred, and even psychosis. The truth is that Mother Nature likes variety, and that is why not everyone likes straight sex with stereotypically attractive people doing things only in the missionary position for the purpose of procreation. According the online magazine Healthline, “Sexual fantasy is highly varied across the spectrum, so fetishes might simply be one element of our diversity in terms of sexual interest and arousal,” Jessica O'Reilly, Ph.D., a sexuality counselor since 2001, told Healthline. “That means we'll have different tastes just like we do in food.” My advice: do not feel guilty about liking bellies. As long as you are not hurting anyone, enjoy whatever you like. If your parents don't approve, that's their problem. I know, I know, we all want our parents' approval, but it is exactly that need for their approval that drives many people crazy in life. Respect your parents; they have experience and knowledge you don't have yet, but don't be afraid to form your own opinions and beliefs. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 9 months. He is a furry but I'm not. In the beginning it was all engines revving, but lately things in the bedroom have become rather slow/nonexistent. I have tried to talk to him about this but unfortunately it has not helped. What advice do you have? Do you know anything that really gets a furry hot under the collar? Many thanks Anonymous * * * Dear John, Everyone is different concerning their sexual desires and needs. Just because he's a furry doesn't mean all furries want the same thing--not by any stretch of the imagination! What you clearly need to do is have a frank discussion about what both his and your needs are. If he won't talk to you about them, then that is a very serious blockade against your making any progress. So, first thing's first. You need to get him to open up. Here are some strategies provided by an article in Psychology Today:
Once you get him to open up and find out what his needs are, then you can start trying to fulfill those needs. Remember, though, that your needs are also important. There should be an equal give and take in any relationship that includes a sexual component. Hope that helps. Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papabear,
I just wanted to talk a bit about some things that have been bothering me (mostly relates to the furry fandom, I promise). Anyway, I've been a part of the furry fandom for technically 10 years ever since I discovered what fursonas were back in early high school (though my childhood love of anthro animals in Disney and WB cartoons actually predates my discovery of the fandom). Anyway, for a while I grew interested in the artwork of certain furry artists on deviantART. Sure, the furry art was enjoyable but over time, I discovered the site known as FurAffinity. I lurked on there for quite a few years (still on there) but since I was a teenager, I was quite paranoid and anxious about it because I usually enjoyed the more...expansive furry art. It's kind of embarrassing but inflation and weight gain art was and is still very appealing to me but even though I very much favorite family friendly furry art and those artists I like too, it's been part of the reason I'm unsure of how to actually try and show my parents the tame (family friendly) side of the fandom so they don't get weirded out by the whole fandom and tell me not to do it even though I want to be a part of the community more, genuinely make friends and go to furcons/furmeets. The thing is that I had gone through a very traumatic experience back in primary school where I was made fun of a lot but even worse, people made fun of my weight behind my back. It shattered my worldview and made me anxious, upset and scared people may have secretly hated me for so long and just were pretending to like me and I would have no idea who actually did it. It deeply affected me right into high school to the point where I was lonely, severely depressed and suicidal but even though I don't want to die now, I just want friends who understand me (I have friends but I barely see them and none of them are furries). That horrible experience still affects me to this day. I still am afraid of what people think of me and I have social anxiety at times and it's for that reason why I'm not sure about going to a furry convention because of all the squeakers and mutes that I'd feel unable to talk to and I'd feel intimidated too. My parents (they're separated) do love me and are not religious because they thought we would be effectively brainwashed with hateful propaganda. The reason I stopped being a Christian years ago was because of the conservative bigots over the years who hate the LGBT+ community (I'm bisexual). It's just I never told them about the furry fandom except for this one time by PC froze up, my mum walked in and violated my privacy by going into my FurAffinity faves that I was browsing on which was both mortifying and infurating. She said it was disturbing (her words) and even though I empathized with her feelings, I've always by instinct minimized/muted my browser whenever I go out of my room because the thought of people looking into my...interests only makes me immensely uncomfortable because I fear being judged by my family when I already have a mild learning disability (Aspergers) and I already have a hard time dealing with loneliness and my frustrations with my own family after we split apart. They don't judge my disability and they are supporting me on that so that's good. I don't want to keep hiding this fandom from them anymore. It keeps eating away at me and makes me feel worse about myself. I obviously feel uncomfortable showing the suggestive kink art but I'd rather show the family friendly works so they can at least understand (I hope). Though all in all, what I'm trying to ask is is it wrong liking that artwork (even the family stuff), let alone being a furry? I just want to know because this has been bothering me for a long time and I would love to get an answer as soon as you can. Sincerely, Sam the dog (age 23, Australia) * * * Dear Sam, You should know that in the furry world you are in good company. There is a plethora (love saying that word: plethora! PLEH-THOO-RAAH LOL) of furries who really like big furries, inflation, or both. Heck, there is a Facebook group that is not at all ashamed to call the group Fat Furry Fans, and there is a group of over 700 members called Inflatable Furries/Scalies. As a FurAffinity and deviantArt member who collects such art, you must surely be aware that these are popular subcultures within the subculture of furries in general, yes? So, while your experience within the mundane world involving shaming because of your weight is indeed harsh, I firmly believe you will be much more accepted at furry conventions and other social gatherings than you are in the mundane world. Addressing the whole parent thing: While it is important for a parent to have an interest in their kids' lives and behaviors, and they should try to protect them from harm, it is intrusive to spy on sexual behavior--at least, legal sexual behavior. Everyone has private sexual habits that are not for everyone's eyes, and sneaking onto your computer to check out what you like in porn is a violation of your privacy and trust. Many parents think that trust is a one-way street, but it should be both ways: you should trust your parents and they should trust you. You don't sneak onto their computers and they shouldn't sneak onto yours. That said, having a secretive behavior is not cool, either. This is, admittedly, a tricky thing in families. You want to be open and have good communication, but on the other paw, you have a right to some privacy. I'm sure Mom and Dad have some sexual proclivities they are not anxious to tell you about, too. Parents, under the law, have certain rights and responsibilities, including providing you with food, clothing, and a secure environment. However, you are now 23, which is legal age, so they have absolutely NO business butting into your business. Just because you have Asperger's is no excuse to treat you like a child, either. It should be noted here, though, that online sexual behavior between minors or between a minor and an adult is illegal, both federally and in most states in the United States. You, of course, are from Australia, where it is also illegal, and a penalty of up to two years in prison is possible there. Because of these laws--which are pervasive internationally--it can be dangerous for you to explore sexuality online. This, sorry to say, is particularly true with furry sites because a huge part of the demographic is under 18 years of age. The part where you have to be careful is with any art or real-life photos that show minors (some furries into the babyfur scene have discovered that, sad to say), all of which can be classified as child pornography. Also, doing sexual RP online with someone who is a minor can be construed as breaking the law. This is particularly difficult in the furry world because there are people online who are under 18 who pose as adults when they RP or share art. You must be very very very cautious. Bottom line: 1) According to your letter, your parents sound pretty cool for the most part; strike up an honest conversation with them about your interest in furries. Tell them you appreciate their interest in your life and their desire to keep you safe, but do insist that you deserve a little privacy when it comes to sex just as you respect their privacy on such matters; 2) keep your regular furry behavior and your sexual interests separate--at least, while you still live with your family; if you save art, keep it on an external drive that you keep in a safe place or in the cloud or somewhere where it is not readily available to someone without a password. You can fave art on your FurAffinity page and keep it from prying eyes by logging out of FA when you go offline and then using your password to get back in. Never share your password with anyone, obviously, even people you think you can trust; 3) and once you have your G furry life separated from your adult furry life, open up more about your furriness to your parents, with an emphasis that there is a HUGE difference between being a furry and one's sex life and that the two are not bound together in the furry community (i.e., furry isn't about sex; it is about furry fun is all). Finally, you're 23. Time to move out of your parents' house and start your own life. You can do it. Mild Asperger's should not hinder you. It is okay for you to be furry. It is okay to have sexual desires. It is okay if those sexual desires are "unconventional" as long as you are not hurting people (e.g., rape is not okay, child molestation is not okay, but you are not engaging in either of those, so you're cool). Hope that helps. Big Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello Papa!
There has been trouble with me lately. You know how most people get crushes in school? Well I have one. It's a girl and her name is Sylina. The problem is that I have had, well, very mature feelings. Okay let's be honest here, more like "sexual" feelings. This would be okay, if I were much older, but I'm still in school. It's very confusing that someone this young could get these feelings in the first place, but why? Is there something wrong with me? What is it? I don't know how someone can answer these questions but still, if you can answer, why and how do I deal with this? Anonymous (age 12) * * * Dear Furiend, Sorry for the late reply. I had to take a break from the column for a while, but I'm back now. While being 12 does seem young to many people, the truth is that females have been reaching puberty at an earlier and earlier age. Thirteen is now the average, so at 12 if you are hitting puberty that is just on the lower side of the average. Here is an article about this trend, which, sad to say, could mean some health problems for women as they age. Now the problem we have is that, in our society today, young teens are not established to support themselves financially and career-wise until at least their late teens, yet biologically we are seeing teens reaching sexual maturity in their early teens and sometimes as early as 9 or 10. The danger here, of course, is that very young people could start engaging in sex, possibly even having children at too early an age, putting stress on themselves, their families, and society in general. As you are clearly aware, this is going to make you question a lot of things in your life. The first thing for you to understand, however, is that your feelings do not mean there is "something wrong" with you. There is nothing wrong with you that isn't happening to everyone else your age, you just have the courage to talk about it. My suggestion is that you talk to the nurse's office in your school (you should have one, yes?) and, even better, talk to a school counselor if one is available. If you attend a church or temple, you could also seek some advice there if that makes you more comfortable. You need to arm yourself with information so that you are not working in the dark. You can also check out this helpful website designed just for you and your questions. Good Luck! Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papabear,
Thank you for addressing my letter. I have had problems with gender and sexuality for as long as I can remember, and they escalated during my adolescence. I was diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and have since tried my best to cure it. I have sought help from one of the specialists in my country, and the disease seems mostly controlled now, at the age of 24. However, thoughts about gender and sexuality continue to plague my mind even today. I never had a relationship with a woman, despite the fact that I tried many times to have a stable and lasting relationship (though most of the times the women I was interested said they already had a boyfriend when I asked them on a date), but I have had experiences with men, though none of them lasting relationships. Not all of these experiences were pleasant, because although I did not mind oral sex, I have a immense fear of penetration and its consequences. But back to gender, the main problem. It seems like I am particularly sensitive to transgender-related topics. There are no transgender news that I won't read about, or transgender characters that I won't take an interest in, or transgender videos that I won't watch. When I come into contact with this topic, I start to wonder and ruminate about being female, how would I feel, what it would take, and if I wouldn't regret it. I have tried female clothing in the past and I have liked it. I often fantasize about being female (or at least feminine). I am a bit scared of the implications of being female in society, however. For some time, I joined a transgender help group, but left because I felt like I was going down a path that I would regret, that would destroy my relationship with my family. I was always their 'golden boy', and they have always supported me. But telling them about this, or having Sex Reassignment Surgery would be my ruin. I tried talking about my therapist about this, but I feel like she is a bit transphobic herself. I once talked to her about a MtF that was my friend, and she insisted that she was a man. Seemingly shoving it down my throat at every possible opportunity. Still, I can't search for another therapist because my parents like the progress regarding OCD I made with this one. They insist I remain with this one, and if I don't, they start arguments with me. Last year I decided to burry this 'transgender business' as I called it, and tried to move forward. Most days, I am happy with being male, and even acknowledge that being a man has it's advantages. Other days, I feel an unavoidable need to be feminine. These cycles come and go: Some days I discard it as being ridiculous, about not passing as or even wanting to be female (I wonder if it has something to do with having a conservative and transphobic family). Even consider wether or not this fixation on femininity is part of my OCD. Other days, like today, it's so strongly present in my mind that it leaves me depressed. I look at my body and feel discomfort. I lack breasts, and looking down I can't see a vagina. I can't get it out. I can't get any closure. And I am always so confused. Can you please help me? Thank you, Anonymous (Portugal) * * * Dear Furiend, Please forgive my late reply. I had to take a month off from my column for personal and work reasons. I hope it is not too late to reply. This is a difficult letter to address because you have already taken a number of recommended steps and have not found satisfaction. You have sought therapy and you a help group to no avail. I agree with you that if you are not comfortable with your current therapist you should look for another one, and then we run into the parents issue. Evidently, they are paying for your therapy. While that is great that they are trying to support you, it's not so great that they won't let you switch therapists. Noting that you are 24, though, one has to wonder why you are not out on your own by now and managing your own life. Are you still in college and living with your parents? Is there any way you can pay for a therapist yourself and, thus, make your own choice as to whom you should see? While your OCD is not directly related to your transgender issues, it might, indeed, be making it more difficult for you. But even if you didn't have OCD, you probably would still be thinking about your gender and sex a lot. Understandable. I don't believe your desire to be female is going to go away if you ignore it, so it is something you will, at some point, have to hit head on. One step at a time, though. It is clear that your parents and your therapist are holding you back. Therefore, the first thing you must do is become an independent adult who is in charge of his own income and medical care. You are 24 and it is time that you do this (unless there is something you aren't telling me that is preventing you from being independent?) I'm sorry to say that I am not familiar with health care coverage in Portugal other than that there is a National Health Service there that helps cover many, but not all, expenses. Perhaps you have already researched this, but if not, you should find out whether and by how much MtF surgery is covered. (By the way, if you are really considering surgery, this is better defined as being transsexual.) Another thing you can do is look for another transgender/transsexual support group. Since your English is excellent, you don't have to limit yourself to groups in Portugal. As you might imagine, there are many that are based in the USA. Finally, you need to get over the fear of disappointing your parents. You don't have to be "the Golden Boy" all your life. That's too much pressure and it's not realistic. It is much more important that you just be yourself, and your parents need to accept that. And here's where your OCD is also probably kicking in: you are obsessing that being transgender (or transsexual) is going to "ruin" you and your whole life. You run through it over and over in your head until this fear paralyzes you. Fear of judgment from others is, in my view, the number one reason most human beings in the world do not reach their full potential or find happiness. Once you let go of that fear, you will be liberated. Sure, it is easy for me to write that down, and I realize that is a difficult road to travel, but it is one you must travel. Accept yourself for what you are. Don't blame it on OCD. Don't avoid it because of your parents. Seek support from people like yourself. If you are on Facebook, you might try the Transgender Support Circle. There are literally thousands of people there for you to talk to. I hope this helps you some. Please feel free to write again if I am missing something that needs to be addressed. Hugs, Papabear |
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